My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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