when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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