afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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