Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
