I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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