I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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