So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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