I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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