Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
