After last night, I could never be a politician.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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