The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
