get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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