margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
