So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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