she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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