My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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