In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
