no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
