My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
