Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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