Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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