Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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