I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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