I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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