What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize