youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
