Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
