Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize