My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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