the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
