smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
