Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
