I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
