He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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