Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
