I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
