Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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