Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
