i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
