he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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