i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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