Your face is a jimmy john
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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