Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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