We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize