my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
