Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
