I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
