I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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