True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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