at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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