My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize