I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
