What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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