we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize