She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
