then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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