I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
