I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
