I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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