She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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