Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
