i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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