I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
