I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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