The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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